White Hot Center

Morning thoughts

I decided to stay home today, mainly because I’ve been feeling sick the last few days and haven’t had a chance to rest and get better. The other reason for staying home is I am increasingly dissatisfied at my job and some days I just can’t bare the idea of going there.

It’s getting ridiculous. I don’t have any motivation to do my job - except that I can’t afford to lose it because I need the money. I’m depressed. And I’m not saying that lightly. I truly am depressed. Hard-to-get-out-of-bed-in-the-morning depressed. There is no leadership or accountability and terrible morale. No one gives a shit about anything.

I haven’t heard back yet from the job I interviewed for and I haven’t found anything else worth applying to yet. Sometimes I feel so stuck in my current job and I guess that’s what makes me the most depressed. I feel I have no control.

Other things getting me down - my apartment is a mess. I haven’t cleaned in two weeks. Because I lose one day of the weekend to taking care of my mom, if I happen to have social plans on the one day I’m off, then everything at home gets neglected. I don’t have time to clean or go to the grocery store. And with my husband busy with school and his internship, he’s rarely available to help.

Normally, if that happens, I take care of things on weekday evenings. But this week I haven’t been feeling well - physically or emotionally - so everything’s gone to shit. We’ve been eating out. There are dishes in the sink. Papers and books and open mail all over the dining table. Clothes everywhere. The cat’s litter needs to be cleaned. I could go on …

I could use this “sick day” to clean and do the groceries. Or I could sit on this recliner all day with Nelly, watch a little TV, feel sorry for myself and sleep.

Not sure what kind of day it’s going to be yet.